pretty little bow.

i was chosen.

for some odd reason i was picked specifically for maddux.

you are picked for that one child. you will be the one and only person on this earth able to care for your child the way you should.

well I am here to tell you that that is too much pressure for one person to handle. we are apparently given a certain amount of strength within us to handle the ins and outs of parenthood.

what happens when it is too much?

where do you go when you have nothing left?

im not going to throw in a bible verse here bc honestly that sometimes gets annoying. i don't need a verse today. some days i just need Him.

 i see my life and how it has gone from a 13 year old tom boy who climbed trees, to how i was molded into the mom for maddux. there is no way you can tell me that my life was not specifically designed for a life with maddux. all wrapped up in a box and with a pretty little bow.

when i had my first seizure at 13 i did not know that one day i would look at my child with the same fear i felt those days i tried to fall asleep but was awakened by a seizure saying "i wonder what the heck that was"
or how every day at lunch in high school at 12 o'clock on the dot i had a seizure in front of my friends, hoping no one saw me staring at my lunch unable to really talk and hoping i was not drooling.

i remember being asked to the homecoming dance by a boy that will remain nameless, but don't think for a minute i do not remember his name! then i remember him not taking me bc he found out i had seizures somehow.

i was there. i was not the smartest. so i can tell maddux i know.

when you find out your seizures are caused by a tumor which is cancerous and typically carries about a 10 year life span, you start to see how in line your life had to be for me to be here for her. without the seizures they would not have found the tumor early enough. without the radiation i would not be here to raise her. and without her i would not be me.

so take out my tumor and you take away the one thing in my life i am sure about.

so yes there are days that i ask if i have enough left to do this for possibly the rest of my life. im gonna say that i hope so. if my life ends up being as neatly strung together as it has so far i can not wait to tell you about it.

image by pastel photography