she changes people.

There are 2 things I know about her.

 One, she is her own person and could care less what anyone thinks about her (my favorite part).

Two.....

 she changes people

She is not super aware of her surroundings unless it interests her.  A lot like most of us. But unless it involves a dog, another special needs person of any age or her friends she could care less. She has 3 very close friends.
She doesn't count her likes and is not trying to build an empire of friends. She has few and knows that is all you need. Although she has few, the 3 she has are kids I would be proud to call my very own.

They support her.

They love her attachment to dogs.

They embrace her Chris Daughtry shirt that she refuses to wear anyway but backwards.

Kudos to her who in middle school where it can be the hardest time for a girl to "fit in" she stands out and eats lunch with the principal.
She has even caught the eye of a boy or two who when they actually realize what life is all about will see she will be the last girl standing with realness.

Slowly I see her changing people in ways that helps them at what ever stage they are in life. Younger and older.

She doesn't see it but I hope one day she will be aware enough to see how she affects people. I have written a letter to her and to her brother on their birthday every year since they were born. Each year showing what they accomplished.

What they stumbled on.

How they changed from it.

You never know what each day brings. Knowing those letters are here, that I hand wrote to them and they can read one day when I am not here gives me a feeling of mothering them even when I can not any more.

Maddux created a special bond with this girl and she wrote a letter about Maddux for a project and I wanted to share it and let it have its own post for her blog. She has been a big part of Maddux's life this year and her words melted me. Thank you Miss M for making my girl feel special. She sure thinks you are swell.

 I know this bc she smiles.

the letter

and fyi Maddux refers to herself as Macy. Her teachers thought her name was Macy for 3 weeks....
this kid kills me.

Keep her close Maddux (Macy)


"In life once you fear you LOSE. With me I always ask you to never be scared.
We know that tomorrow is not promised, but as long as we are by each others side
 in life every possible moment allowed we are WINNING"

imprinted.

I have been sitting on this post for a while. trying to know the best way to showcase her. the right words. the best picture. the right angle. how she should look. but while i have been sitting and thinking and shooting over and over for a month, i realized i really don't need words. this tattoo states it all. it's just a quote. one beautiful sentence. but one that sums up my being for her. my purpose. and apparently what God felt i could do and do well. i have always called her my angel baby. even before anything happened. never really realizing how she would change me and a million others who walked through our lives. so in true maddux fashion she refused to take pictures with me. I tried and tried but she refused. but that is her. so instead she took the pictures of me. and in some ways i feel like that is even more special. i got to grab an almost face of her. but all others are photo credited to her ability.

so to everyone who changed me and her and to the people who build me and/or her up in some way through our walk....thank you and you are forever imprinted within me.

pride

there is love

there is fight

there are goals 

there is war

there are struggles

there is complete and utter determination

and in all of that there is maddux.

for one child who has no clue of what she has accomplished in her 12 years here, she walks through life with nothing but pride in herself. and not pride from the fact that she did x, y and z. but a pride of another kind.
pride that she can blend but is okay when she doesn't
pride that she loves things that spin and thinks others are weird when they do not
pride in her 12 imaginary friends bc they know things others can not help her with
pride in being who she is and not questioning why she is
pride in hatred for socks
pride in fact that she wears nothing other than flat Toms or straight up stilettos
pride in her ability to talk to an animal better than a person bc there is not expressive language she has to deal with bc all they can do is listen 

this is something i need to learn to do myself as her mom. so on mother's day i learn from her. 

i follow her lead

i trust her like she has trusted me for the last 12 years

maddux and i did this ourselves and today we both choose pride


rest easy my maddux...smiles await you when you rise

normalcy

Normalcy: /n/   the condition of being normal; the state of being usual, typical or expected

in the world of autism there can be no more important word than that. it is where the root of this word is born that you take that definition and create its meaning. 

8:00 she texts all her people good night

8:30 she goes to bed, gets on her jammies, washes her face, i tuck her in. 

8:45 she gets up and gets her water

8:50 she talks to her imaginary friends about her day til she feels comfortable enough to go to sleep

her baby doll on her cheek her small dog tyler in her hand

7:00 she wakes up. not a minute before or a minute later 

7:03 hugs charlie as he runs for dear life from her

7:20 she gets ready for school and never tucks in a shirt, buttons every button the shirt has on it, pulls her pants up so they no longer fit her and she now looks like she has pants a size too short

7:40 she leaves for school, still in her booster seat at almost 12 bc she likes how it feels

attends school and does way more than any child at that school bc it takes her 20 minutes longer to do each thing asked of her

3:00 she get in my car after stimming while watching the tires of other cars go by and can probably name every tire known to man and which make and model the tire belongs. she grabs charlie. and smiles

3:10 she has a snack with charlie

3:20 plays on her ipad until its time to learn more stuff from me that will help teach her how to be a mom when she older. although she has informed me that she will not be a mom bc she wants to just take care of Davis and its too hard to do both. 

5:00 teach her to hold a knife and cut with purpose

5:05 fight her on a new food that she says "feels weird" and she doesnt like the smell

5:30 show her how to get the shower ready and help a child who hates bubbles how to properly clean her body and her hair. IMPOSSIBLE!

6:00 homework bc apparently the teachers felt her previous 6 hours at school weren't enough. Mama can not do improper fractions so google is my BFF. even then i still have no clue. true story.

wash. rinse. repeat.

This is us. this is our normal. is it yours? nope.

in my house i have 2 normals. one that follows a more popular route. then i have hers. its a crazy mix of "do it yourself" and "let me help you". is one better than the other? not in my book. but i will tell you the one that is less popular changed the way i created his normal. 

adjust.   adapt.  change.           go be your normal.              you learn things there.